So Traumatic I Forgot a Title.

In the six years that I have been a mother there have been difficult days, days that pushed me right to the edge of what I think I can handle. I've been reduced to tears many times as a mother. Tears of frustration, tears of joy, tears of exhaustion, tears of pure, all encompassing fear. I'd like to think that recently I've been handling the difficult days better in recent months. Rolling with the punches, laughing off my frustration. Finding humor even in things like poopy messes and kids fighting. Yesterday, all of my composure flew out the window.



Yesterday was just too much for holding it together, and the tears flowed.



Sometime in the late night on Thursday, Zack came into my bed, like he often does these days. He tossed and turned, and about 2:30 Friday AM I put my hand on him to calm him and realized he was burning up. Temperature of about 102 and we gave him Motrin. Besides the fact that it took him two hours to fall back asleep and lots of "mommy take my jammies OFF! Put my jammies ON!! No, not YOSE (those) jammies!! Mommy, I'm pooooooopy change my diaper" the rest of the night was fine.



We awoke the next day and he was happy and fever free and I dismissed the fever as a reaction to either the flu mist or the other immunization he had gotten on Wednesday. No biggie.



Mornings around here are wild. I was getting Ben and Zack dressed and motivating the big ones to get ready for school and Zack was fussy, but every forehead check felt normal. We were all getting in the car and Zack fussed and then got quiet and he was sitting in the floor on the garage. I called his name, and no answer. The way he was sitting was strange and my radar went flying. Something wasn't right. He was warm again so I picked him to go in for Motrin and I realized that something REALLY wasn't right. His gaze was fixed. I put my face right in front of his and said "ZACK, talk to mommy!!" and he turned his head away from mine, but made no indication he had heard me. I ran in and called 911 because at that point I was pretty sure this was a febrile seizure.



The 911 dispatch guy was great. He had me take Zack's clothes off and lay him on the floor. He told me not to hold Zack, or restrain him, but just to let the seizure happen. He told me what to expect and that these are not uncommon. I kind of hate that they are not uncommon because even though they are usually not harmful it is not something any parent should have to see. Just for information sake, they say that 3-5% of all children will have these at some point. It is most common before the age of 3 and the older a child is the less likely there will be a recurrence. However, after a febrile seizure, there is a chance there will be a recurrence within 24 hours.



During the seizure, Zack shook, his breathing was strange, but he was breathing. He started to turn blue and while I had been teary before, that is when I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. The tears of pure fear that this was not going to be okay. Even though intellectually I knew that the all statistics said he would be. There are certain circumstances in which thinking rationally and factually are pretty much impossible. This was for sure one of those times. I have no idea how long the actual seizure was. I don't know if I start the time when he blanked out, or if I start the time when he was shaking. At any rate the time I called 911 to the time the ambulance arrived was about 5 minutes, so we are talking about a short time frame, but it felt like forever. After a few minutes, though, he stopped shaking and rolled over, just like the dispatch said he would. I rubbed his back and cried. Then I realized that I needed to call and say I couldn't pick up Mark's friend for school. His friend's mom jumped into action and came and picked up Eric and Mark and took Ben from me too.



I felt utterly helpless as the ambulance pulled away with my baby inside and I went to explain to the boys that Zack would be okay. Fortunately, it wasn't long before I could be on my way to the hospital. Somewhere mixed in all the chaos, I called Kevin and he got to the ER before the ambulance did. This eased my mind so much, because I was so afraid Zack would be terrified around total strangers in a strange place when he felt bad. I cried the whole drive to the hospital, which also felt like ages, but it was about 20 minutes in reality. I worried about the what ifs. What if it wasn't a run of the mill febrile seizure, but something worse? What if he had brain damage? What was going on in that ambulance?

When I walked into the ER room Zack and Kevin were in I got a smile from my little boy. It was the best smile ever!

The rest of the day we just worked to keep the fever down, alternating Motrin and Tylenol and I about freaked out when it was back up to 102. But, he was fine. There were no more seizures and today he is fine. No more fever, back to his normal, silly self. I couldn't be more grateful for that.



The happy ending is Zack is fine.

Update: I was so nervous weaning him off the motrin/tylenol regimen. I did it though, because I can't just medicate him like that forever. Last night he woke up crying about ten and I just KNEW he was going to be hot. However, he came downstairs and I checked and he was perfectly cool. Such a relief for me. This has changed the way I feel about fevers. Before I was a "if they are comfortable and the fever is below 101 don't medicate." (I would have medicated this fever regardless, I just didn't have time. He was miserable and it was around 102.) Now I will be dishing out meds a little more liberally.

All In A Day's Work Part Two

If you haven't read part one yet head down there and read it.

A few notes that I realized I had forgotten just so it all fits together...

I later discovered that when Zack had been playing with my razor, he also cut his hair. This is something I would normally take a picture of and post on my blog ASAP except that my camera is GONE (sob.) But, he's got two chunks of hair completely missing on one side of his head. Shaved right down to the scalp. Probably not all THAT noticeable to anyone but me, but still.

Also, Mark while doing some homework coloring decided to color Zack's face. These were also not washable markers, so even though I washed his face there was still lots of marker on the boy with the partly shaved head.

Ben ate some of the moon sand before I had a chance to clean it up.

I think that is all the important stuff I forgot, but I did reallllly wish I had some gum on the way to curriculum night and I'm sure that in addition to looking disheveled and mortar on my foot that I also had Taco Salad breath. Nice, right?

Anyway, that was Tuesday and after collapsing into bed I had a pretty good night. Zack came and joined us in our bed about 2 AM "Peeeeas pull me UP Momma, I want to nuggle with YOU." Which, I can never resist because I love those Zack snuggles... Here's the continuation of the story.

Wednesday

5:15 ish AM I am jolted awake by the hideous sound of the house alarm wondering what the heck is happening. Kevin bolts out of bed and runs to 1. turn it off and 2. investigate. Mark comes into our room and says "Benny went in the garage mom." Kevin ran to get Ben and I told Mark that he was to NEVER... EVER... get Ben out of bed. EVER! Not that I haven't said that before. Thankfully, Ben did go back to bed and I sent Mark back too although I suspect he never went to sleep. Any ideas to get this kid to NOT wake up at 5 AM and do crazy stuff, I'd love to hear it. I am not a morning person and this is not really amusing anymore. PLUS I'm sure it exacerbates some of our other behavior issues.

6:30 we were up for the day whether I liked it or not and it went a little something like this. "Hey guys, here's your clothes, let's get dressed." They completely ignore me and go running in circles around and around the living room table. I was a teeny bit distracted getting breakfast ready so I didn't immediately realize they were IGNORING me. Until someone said "MOOOOOOOOOM, he said I'm a (insert 5 year old insult here, I can't remember which one.) blah blah blah, whine whine whine." NOT getting dressed. SO I told them again to get dressed. And a third time and finally I warned them that there would be NO TV TIME IF YOU DON'T GET DRESSED IN THE NEXT 3 MINUTES. And I set the timer. Which got them moving but not without lots of bickering... Advice on that also welcome! I also bathed the Zack and Ben because Zack still had marker on his face and Ben had breakfast alllll over his body.

8:15 Finally all ready and heading out the door. Saying goodbye to Kevin who was staying home for the day to get some of the tiling that we had to UNDO redone.

After dropping the kids at school we went to the pediatrician, who told me Ben did indeed have a yeast rash and agreed that his eczema is out of control. (Big fat "phhhhhhhbbbbbt" to the doctor who scoffed at my concern for this earlier this year.) She prescribed stuff for the yeast and stuff for the eczema and then we decided to get him tested for food allergies in case that was what was causing the outbreaks. Thank GOODNESS because I have felt HELPLESS against this eczema and it not only looks hideous, it bothers him. If there's something we can avoid to help it stay away I'm ALL for it. Have I mentioned I LOVE our pediatrician?

Then we looked at Zack and she told me not to worry about his little speech quirks, that as long as people understand him 3/4 of the time he is okay. I think mostly he is understandable but I may be wrong. I get it when he counts "One, Two, Hee, Hore" and can translate "hidge" to fridge and "boo tee hull" to beautiful. So, I guess he's okay there. I guess. I still worry because I am a mom and that is my job.

Then came the shots and the feeling horrid for inflicting the pain on my babies but they both were FINE after a sticker. Thank goodness for stickers.

10:30 headed to Target to get the meds the doc prescribed.

It was actually a pretty boring afternoon. Ben napped, Zack played and I was the level girl/tile wiper/ pretty much not all that much help helper.

3:00 Boys bound in the door, one of them carrying his shirt. I ask him why he has no shirt and no answer. Kevin tells him to put his shirt on. We snack, and I grill them about their day. I don't remember the exact conversation but Mark got sent to bed for talking back and IGNORING me. I went to check on him about 5 minutes later and he was out like a light. See, he's exhausted.

When I was upstairs checking on Mark I heard Ben stirring and walked in to him digging in his diaper and he then before I could stop him he put his hand in his mouth. His poop covered hand. I shrieked "Nooooooooooooooo" and picked him up very carefully and carried him down and gave him yet another bath. Washed his sheets, and his wall, and just laughed because it was that or cry. Then I sat and wondered if he was going to get very, very sick from ingesting poop from a yeast infected diaper. So far, he's okay.

5:00 It was getting increasingly hard to keep the kids out of Kevin's way and he was making good progress and didn't want to stop. So, I decided to take the kids out to dinner. Mark picked Arby's and I smiled as Eric high fived him and told him "GREAT choice Mark!" That's what I want to bottle and keep forever. Those moments are priceless and make all the other stuff worth it!

The only problem with taking ALL four with me to feed them dinner is that I also had to go to the grocery store for just a few things, but four kids in the grocery store under the absolute best circumstances is still so, so hard. BUT! I made it! We survived. Whew

7:00 Roll in the door and put the baby to BED with his nice fresh sheets. Given the fact that he had already been bathed twice I didn't think he needed another.

7:15 Other kids in the tub. My tub so they could all fit and because there are still a few tiles that need cleaned off in the other downstairs bathroom.

7:45 Everyone in jammies, prayers and bed. Blissfully, because sometimes it all just works out (and they were really super super tired) they were all asleep almost immediately. Even Ben, who briefly woke up when I went to tuck in Eric.

Then Kevin did a few more tiles and we sat down and watched The Closer that we had recorded Monday night but hadn't had time to watch. It was really nice to have some downtime.

A few notes in conclusion:

To Eric: Please don't let your brother aggravate you so much. When you flip out and whine over everything he does he's getting exactly what he wants.

To Mark: Leave your older brother alone. Also, you don't HAVE to have the last word and argue with me over every.single.issue.

To Zack: Mommy's bedroom and bathroom are off limits. No more cut fingers and shaved heads.

To Ben: PLEASE don't eat crap. I mean that literally and figuratively.

To everyone reading this: I hope you don't think I'm complaining. I actually find most of this stuff kind of funny in a weird sort of way. It doesn't always feel funny when I'm living it but I write from a place of being a mom is hard but, dude, it's NEVER boring. I try to keep that in perspective, and I often fail at that, but I try. I have to check my attitude on a daily basis when I find myself impatient or grouchy. I don't know if I'm conveying what I'm trying to here, but don't think I'm resentful or complaining about all this. I just hope it gives you a smile or to feel like you are not alone (because I know my kids aren't the only little crazies out there! )

All in a Days Work

Okay, so it was two days, but who's counting.

It all started here with a dramatic outburst from Mark. The little ones and I came home for a bit and went to the gym. I was TIRED from staying up too late for the umpteenth night in a row, but I thought I was holding it all together pretty well, until the one of the child care girls (really nice girl) said, "You look like you are having a rough morning." I never have been able to hide my feelings from people. I just smiled and said "Thank goodness for you girls!" I told her that if Ben got fussy not to hesitate to come get me as he has a pretty bad diaper rash and it might bother him if he gets wet. And off I went

10:15 work out, sweat, and in general forget about everything for just a little bit. This is why I go to the gym, well that and the whole weight loss thing, but the forgetting part is a really big deal to me!

11:30 Leave the gym and head to the tile store to pick up the rest of the tile. Drive home hoping that this isn't too much weight for the van to handle. Arrive at my neighborhood, realizing Ben is asleep and Zack is alllllllmost asleep too. A tandem nap situation being very, very appealing, I decide to drive for just a little bit. Somehow while driving, Zack woke Ben up, so home I went.

12:30 Feed the kids.

1:00 Put Ben down for a nap.

1:15 Attempt to get something done around here. Do the dishes, and wipe down kitchen counters and then realize Zack has found the moon sand and it's ALL over my floor. Which is made of concrete at the moment. Not as if that makes moon sand harder to clean up, but I find it necessary to mention my floor is currently CONCRETE as often as possible right now.

1:30 Continue to try to clean up, and successfully get the living room cleaned up. I don't vacuum right now, because seriously, it would just have to be done again later this afternoon again.

1:45 Try to relax for a few minutes and put on a cartoon for Zack. Realize that there is moon sand! on the brand new tile! that Kevin had just laid the night before and remind myself that I MUST clean it off before it gets in the spaces since it's not grouted yet.

2:00 Realize there is no way in the world that Zack is going to sit still and/or let me have a second to relax, so I play with him.

2:30 Realize I never ate lunch and make myself a swiss cheese & tomato sandwich and a very large glass of diet coke. Ahhhh.

2:45 Prepare myself mentally for the big boys to arrive home. Hope that Mark is in a MUCH better mood than he was in the morning.

3:00 Big boys run through the door, about the same time that Ben wakes up. I go through school stuff, to see if there is anything I need to fill out, or sign, or whatever so I don't have to remember later.

3:15 Make muffins for snack at Mark's request. I have 3 helpers. They take turns stirring and life is good.

3:30 Realize I never cleaned the moonsand off the new tile, and get the vacuum out again to do that. I was thinking about also vacuuming the living room now when Zack starts screaming and Eric starts yelling "ZACK'S BLEEEEEEEEEEEDING." I hurry to find out why Zack is bleeding and learn that while I was vacuuming he went in my bathroom and got my razor. I bandage him up and count how many hours until bedtime.

4:00 Decide I'm not going to fold the laundry in the dryer just yet, and instead throw it in the laundry basket and put the washer load in the dryer and a new load in the washer.

4:30 Make one more last ditch effort to clean up, ultimately giving up because it was time to make dinner.

5:00 Prepare taco salad in relative peace. Thank you Noggin.

5:30 Get dinner on the table just as the hubby walks in. Take a deep breath and eat. After, getting up 5000 million times for things I forgot, drinks, etc.

6:00 get the baby ready for bed, change my shirt as it had some sort of goo on it, and run out the door for curriculum night.

6:30 Realize that compared to the other parents, I look dishevelled and wonder if I remembered to put lip gloss on. Also realize that I have mortar on my foot and I'm wearing sandals. Aren't I cute? AND I forgot my pen and paper to take notes if need be, and there's a website I want to write down. Remind myself to write the teacher a note to ask for the url... then realize I can probably google it.

Curriculum night ruled. I love the teachers and staff at this school. Everyone who spoke seemed truly excited about teaching kids. It made me happy. And being alone in a room with adults. Lovely.

7:30 Roll back in the door feeling very relaxed and ready to do the bedtime routine.

7:45 Kids are in jammies (it was a non bath night... we do baths every other day unless circumstances warrant more) we say prayers and I follow the three big ones to their beds. I tuck in, hug and kiss, sing a song and make my exit. Eric complains that he isn't breathing well, but his cough sounds suspiciously fake to me and I don't hear wheezing. I tell him that I will check on him in an hour to see if he needs the nebulizer. This placates him for now. As I walk out of the room Ben starts screaming. I get him settled and just then the power.goes.out. Then it comes back on. Mark flips out because it was DARK and he was SCARED. I work on calming him down and telling him his nightlight was on again, so he didn't need to be afraid anymore. He asks "Well what if it goes out AGAIN?" I told him we have flashlights close by and I will bring one up to him if the lights go out again. This really only makes him feel a little better but we talk and I can finally leave. An HOUR after I started bedtime they are finally almost asleep. Except Eric is now coughing for real and wheezing. So down he comes for a neb. treatment. THEN, finally I was done.

9:00 Come downstairs and help Kevin with tile. Or watch and occasionally check tiles for levelness. That's about the extent of my tiling ability.

10:30 Stand very quietly and still while Kevin realizes there is a mistake in the centering of the tile and he needs to pull up what he's worked on the previous two evenings RIGHT away. I soak the pulled off tiles in the tub and scrub and scrape the dried mortar off while he scrapes mortar off of the floor.

Sometime after midnight I fall into bed and crash like you wouldn't believe.


To Be Continued.

The Teacher May See His Other Side Today.

Mark's teacher may be in for it today. On the other hand, maybe he got it out of his system and will be an angel for her. I hope. I think.

Today, in the car, halfway to school, Mark says to me "I don't WANT to go to school." It's day 6, he's been fine every day until today. I tried to smooth it over and determine why the sudden reluctance, and my attempts were met with balled up fists and a tirade about the playground. Because, you see, at their school recess does not equal playground every day. Each class has an assigned playground day, and with Tropical Storm Fay making her way all around us last week, it rained on his playground day. His and everyone else's, it was a wet, wet week. Apparently, yesterday they were going to have a make up playground day but something happened with the lining up and they lost it. Which, if that's true, is fine. I'm all about cause and effect with kids. So, I tried to explain this to Mark over "It's not FAIR, I want to play on that playground now!!" I kept getting interrupted by his tearful rant until I finally firmly told him he needed to get it together right.this.minute. so we could talk about things. He kept raging, at which time I demanded silence. Sometimes the magic works. First, I told him he better never speak to his teacher that way, at which time he sweetly says "Oh, I don't mommy, I'm always nice to her!" And I continued that he shouldn't be speaking to ME that way either. I get no reply.

By that time we were at the point in the line that I let the boys get out of their carseats and move up to the front of the van to expedite the drop off process, get hugs and kisses and send them on their way. Today, Mark would not budge from his seat. "Come here buddy, I need to talk to you." He unbuckled, but suspiciously said "I'm only coming up there if I don't have to go to school." Which, I obviously could not agree to. I was quickly devising my plan if he would not, in fact, get out of the car. Pretty much the only option I could see was to park and drag walk him in, possibly kicking and screaming the whole way... all the while managing Zack and Ben without the stroller because I had taken out of the van so I could go pick up our tile (another post.) As fun as that sounded, somehow I managed to cajole him into getting out of his seat and come talk to me. I gave him kisses, and tried the kissing hand approach in case this was really about him being reluctant to be away from me. Silly me for thinking that because "MOM, that WON'T help." Dude, my ego is crushed. We got to the drop off area, and I told Eric to have a good day, and Mark stood like a statue with his I'm mad look on his face, where he pushes his lips out and narrows his eyes. I said "Mark, hang in there bud, it's time to get out now. Have a good day." Miraculously, he did, and walked towards his class with his best scowl on his face. The teacher that helped the boys out of the car and I exchanged a look and I rolled down the window and gave her the cliffs notes version. She reminded me that he'd be fine in about two minutes and I agreed, and had to laugh, because what else is there to do.

Flashback

Have you ever had a flashback to a previous time? As if your brain just kind of goes back in time and forgets the past five (or so) years? No. So it is just me.

I joke a lot about mommy brain and say things like "I think I was smarter before kids." And, even though it's a joke, I'm afraid it's true.

Last weekend I was filling out school paperwork, getting ready for the boy's first day of school. It was all going smoothly. Until I was filling out my zip code and I wrote 73... and scratched it out, realizing I was writing the zip code I lived in in Oklahoma. Then I looked back, and for city, I had written Edmond... state, Oklahoma. I scratched it out and wrote it correctly. Mark's teacher might think I'm insane (I must invest in white out.)

It hasn't happened in a while, but I have been known to give out my parents phone number. The one that I had last over 12 years ago. About 5 phone numbers ago.

So, maybe it's mommy brain. Maybe, I'm just crazy. I'd say both are equally likely. What I want to know is when does it come back? I still would say I used to be fairly smart. Four kids later, I'd say my brain is pretty much mush. I'd like a little of it back. Please?

Stranger Danger

On Wednesday, as we recapped the boys day at school, it occurred to me that I should go over who can pick them up from school. I told them only Mommy, or Daddy, or Jack's mommy can get you from school, okay?" They said "Okay." To make sure I was clear, I said, "And what do you say if someone else tries to pick you up and bring you home?"

Eric looked up at me and said "Thanks!"

The Olympics

We have really enjoyed watching the Olympics this year. It kind of surprised me how the kids have gotten into it too. I love the gymnastics and have spent several nights staying up entirely too late to watch it.

Today, Eric asked me "When we go on the cruise ship, are we going to China?" I told him "No, buddy, why?" He replied "Ohhhhhh man! I want to go to the Olympics!" While, I agree, that would be awesome, I doubt we could get there in time. That would be one long boat ride. Not even mentioning that the cruise isn't until January. Minor details.

Mark said "Mommy! We watched Olympic wresting at school! And I saw Swim Dancing!" Apparently, this is what they did in PE. While normally, I would think it odd to watch tv in physical education... in this case (and that it's day 2 of school) I think it's fine!

I love the Olympics and will be sad to see it end. I know this contradicts my statement in previous posts about not being into sports at all, but something about watching the USA take the gold, or silver, or even bronze just makes me feel happy and... patriotic I guess.

Go USA!!!